children's books

Zombie in the Basement – fast draft page 10-11

This is the tenth and eleventh page spread of my picture book in progress, “There’s a Zombie in the Basement” and comments from the various critique groups I belong to.  Posting this and the other pages here are a part of my creative/editing process on my story that I invite you to help me with.  Let me know what you think about the comments and add your own too.  If you would like some context for this page and the comments, feel free to view the complete fast draft story video first or view it via the project page.  You can also view my crits from the first page.

Pages 10-11Comments:

  • This flows well.
  • The vampire looks a lot like the count on Sesame Street.  Is that intentional? 😀
  • “tapeworm” line rhyme doesn’t flow here.
  • Singular vampire is followed by “They”.
  • Perhaps add the Sasquatch and/or other monsters to foreshadow what is coming.
  • Tapeworm coming out of zombie mouth is troublesome.  Maybe make it more of a pet sitting on her shoulder.

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