children's books

Zombie in the Basement – fast draft page 2-3

This is the second and third page spread of my picture book in progress, “There’s a Zombie in the Basement” and comments from the various critique groups I belong to.  Posting this and the other pages here are a part of my creative/editing process on my story that I invite you to help me with.  Let me know what you think about the comments and add your own too.  If you would like some context for this page and the comments, feel free to view the complete fast draft story video first or view it via the project page.  You can also view my crits from the first page.

page 2-3Comments:

  • Your rhyme is good, but the rhythm is off. Having a consistent rhythm is more important than syllable count. For instance, try Stressed, Unstressed throughout. The first two lines could read:
    “Mommy! Daddy! Come and save me!”
    “Milo, dear, what can it be?”
    8 syllables, 7 syllables, but it follows the Stressed, Unstressed pattern and would work if you can format the rest of the story like that.
  • Count out the rhyme.  Rhyming is just a bit awkward.

What do you think?


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