children's books

Zombie in the basement – fast draft page 4-5

This is the forth and fifth page spread of my picture book in progress, “There’s a Zombie in the Basement” and comments from the various critique groups I belong to.  Posting this and the other pages here are a part of my creative/editing process on my story that I invite you to help me with.  Let me know what you think about the comments and add your own too.  If you would like some context for this page and the comments, feel free to view the complete fast draft story video first or view it via the project page.  You can also view my crits from the first page.

page 4-5Comments:

  • Not sure what a “zed” is, but these stanzas flow well.
  • Generally, I think you are very close in most of these, but pick dactyl or trochee, or whatever form you want, and stick with it throughout.  You can keep most of your rhymes, but tweak the meter a bit, and you are very close!
  • Character design for father doesn’t seem consistent with the others.
  • Would kids understand the word “spent”?
  • “Zed” is unclear.  It’s made up, right?  It’s not easily understood from the text for me.
  • I like the rhyme within the line of “zed” and “head”.

What do you think?

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