children's books

Zombie in the Basement – fast draft page 6-7

This is the sixth and seventh page spread of my picture book in progress, “There’s a Zombie in the Basement” and comments from the various critique groups I belong to.  Posting this and the other pages here are a part of my creative/editing process on my story that I invite you to help me with.  Let me know what you think about the comments and add your own too.  If you would like some context for this page and the comments, feel free to view the complete fast draft story video first or view it via the project page.  You can also view my crits from the first page. Page 6-7Comments:

  • This one sounds a little off.  Maybe, “Try as I might…”
  • “Try I might, shut my eyes tight,” line feels unnatural.
  • I actually found this one quite scary myself, Stan!
  • Also a great rhyme within a line: “creak” and “squeak”.
  • Try: Yes, it’s true, I stayed up late… Now I regret the sweets I ate.
  • “Try I might, shut my eyes tight…” reads slow.
  • Maybe have the sounds show up as sound effects to avoid the look of a “laundry list”.
  • I don’t think you need a “big” in front of “giant beak.”

What do you think?

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