children's books

Zombie in the Basement – fast draft pages 14-15

This is the twelfth and thirteenth page spread of my picture book in progress, “There’s a Zombie in the Basement” and comments from the various critique groups I belong to.  Posting this and the other pages here are a part of my creative/editing process on my story that I invite you to help me with.  Let me know what you think about the comments and add your own too.  If you would like some context for this page and the comments, feel free to view the complete fast draft story video first or view it via the project page.  You can also view my crits from the first page.

Pages 14-15Comments:

  • Probably you could get rid of this telling part, because you have shown how the folks don’t believe him and how he has an active imagination.

    “Or so it is said” too passive?

  • Not child-like terminology.
  • Add thought bubble leading from left to right spread?
  • “Cleary” feels like a forced rhyme.

What do you think?

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